my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
