i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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