Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
