i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
