drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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