My room smells like vodka and shame
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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