I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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