the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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