I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
