I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
