You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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