I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
