Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
