living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
