Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
