Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
