So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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