Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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