low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you had me at cake vodka
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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