I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
