i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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