you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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