I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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