Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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