watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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