A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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