Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
