Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
