it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
