I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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