Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
