yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The air taste purple.
Randomize
