What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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