If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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