3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
