the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
