Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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