dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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