Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
