I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
