Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
