farters have to be the big spoon...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
