You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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