My liver just broke up with me...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
