Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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