I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
