I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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