She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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