dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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