How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
