she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
