as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
