dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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