Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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