I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
