just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
