new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
