Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
