So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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