I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
