she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
