i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Drake has all the answers
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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