In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
