I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
