My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
